Gloomymilest

  Its 1 AM in Bali.   It’s been 3 months since i move to this beautiful island, followed by my intuition that said i have to stay in order to figure who i meant to be and who am i to be. With only 200,000 Rupiah at start, i didn’t have much option to live. But here i am, still standing and still surviving. There’s a lot moment where i feel like im cursed, all those dark times and feelings i feel, those stupid choices i made just to escaping reality. Yet, again at the same time i feel blessed, to be able to feel and see too much from a 22 years old girl whose having her hardest year of her life. If comparing is something right, then make it wrong. I try, hard. I love, hard. But i failed, many many times. Don’t get me wrong, i didn’t regret any of those misunderstood feelings, broken-hearted feelings, and all of those fucked up feelings and the process on how did i even get those. I am fucking grateful towards those. I may seems happy, have such a perfect life, have such wonder

Telah kuarungi ombak Walau mungkin tak sedalam samudera Ku kayuh tajam kata yang menusuk Walau sempat tuk pungkiri rasa sakit yang ada Namun dalam gelap pun Tak akan ada secercah cahaya Jika ku berhenti percaya Yakinkan diri tuk tetap melaju Walau hati tlah diserbu riang yang layu Ku beranjak tak bergegas tanpa ragu Menuju jauh dari diri yang pilu Tak lagi kusam senyum yang ku tumpu Tak lagi gelap kini langit membiru Karna diri tlah yakin tuk menuju Kedalam diri yang asri penuh dengan kasih Benar memang diri tak putih suci bagai nirwana Benar memang diri meninggalkan remahan jejak tuk dicela Benar memang diri melakukan lumpur yang nista Namun benar pula memang diri hanyalah gumpalan manusia Jika ombak ingin menerjang, terjanglah Jika kata ingin menusuk, tusuklah Jika cacian ingin memaki, makilah Diri tak lagi rapuh Diri tak lagi runtuh Diri tak lagi bekerja bagai buruh Diri tak lagi berusaha mengisi lubang ekspektasi dari serbuan pilu yang membiru Karna kini diri tlah yakin Tuk menerim

  Bayangmu selalu sama Menyapu sukacita yang menyala Lalu redup melayang jauh didada, Kau hempas segala rasa  Hilang lalu hampa Senja kini tak lagi sama Rasa yang tlah disimpan lama Mejauh pergi tak beralasan Karna katamu kau tak tahan Cuitan manusia tak bersaring Luapan diri yang ingin bersaing Lidah yang tidak juga berhenti berdering Terlihat seperti tak bersalah namun anjing Pola pikir mu yang tak juga ku mengerti Mata membara namun padam hati Lebar senyum namun kata tajam berduri Diri yang hina tak mungkin abadi Melaju dengan harapan kau berlari Selamat tinggal kini kau tlah pergi Tak lagi ku menunggu ku beradaptasi

Seeing you from the corner of the room Butterflies and fireworks comes from within Trying too hard to get to know whats happening But you got scared and left me on my own   You took part of me i could never understand Feelin blue though we started as a friend We may not something that could ever be end Because there’s no start from the very begin   You left and i got scared You went away and baby this broken hearted Keep bleeding from all this pain   Why you gotta be this way When all i want is for you to feel the same But now it doesn’t matter, no Just go and bring all the memories away  

 12/08/2021   00.05 MAAFKAN Kuarungi dunia tiada henti Pertemuan nya dengan diri ini Menumbuhkan rasa yang sulit diyakini Karna tlah larut didalam benak sendiri   Akan kenangan pait yang sudah membusuk Satu dua patah kata yang menusuk Sudah menjadi senjata tuk tak menunduk Pada rasa bahagia yang merasuk   Namun sulit dihindari angan tentangnya Karna diri terlanjur mencintainya   Andai kau dan aku bertemu di lain waktu Diri yakin untuk bersatu Namun apa daya kini ku tak lagi tahu Apa yang ku mau Tolong beri aku waktu Tuk yakini diri bahwa kau memang untukku

 (12/07/2018) AGRESIF Aneh bagimu memang Melihatku yang tak ingin lama lama Berbasi basi ria kala remaja yang baru lahir Kau manusia yang pada umumnya Menjaga jarak dan perasaan Menengok ke kanan dan kekiri Depan dan   belakang Adakah elang yang mengawasi Adakah singa yang siap menyantap Baru kau berani santap Sedang aku yang tak punya rasa perduli Dan aku pula yang tak mudah terjatuh hatinya Tapi kau berhasil menyandung ku Bertajuk perasaan berbunga padamu Dan menyerangmu tanpa nafas Kau pun gemetar ketakutan Takut melihat kulit ku yang coklat diantara yang putih Satu satunya bunga mati yang dikelilingi bunga hidup Kau takut ku berbeda Kau takut karna ku bukan yang jago dalam bermain Lalu kau pergi Melayang seperti tak pernah mendarat Meninggalkan jejak yang terlihat walau tak ingin dilihat

 (27/12/2018) TIME DOES FLY FAST Time does fly so fast This year has been the greatest year of all Reunited with loved ones And reunited with myself Then I stepped out into something new New journey and new people had arrived Some of them I called friends Some of them I called family They brought out the best and worst in me They made me smile,laugh and love They made me sad,cry and bitter But I think its just what it is The whole point of being human Being loved and being hurted People say Nothing last forever People say everyone come and go But for sure it think we should live in the moment Cherish those who around Embrace the togetherness Despite the differences Despite the hateness  

 (04/09/2018 00.01)               YANG LALU Tiba-tiba aku teringat cerita yang telah kita ukir diwaktu yang lalu  Cerita yang diangkat hanya dari percakapan kita lewat aplikasi di telepon genggam kita.  Aku yang masih menggantung sepenggal harapan tuk kita dipertemukan lagi suatu hari Kadang suka ragu apakah kau juga masih memikirkan hal yang sama denganku Pun kalau iya kita dipertemukan, sepertinya semesta tidak berpihak pada kita.   Kau yang disana, apa kabar?  Nyamankah kau ditempat kau berada sekarang?    Bagaimana keadaan hatimu? Sudah sembuhkah dari luka yang kau ceritakan padaku waktu itu?  Aku baik-baik saja disini, banyak sekali hal yang ingin aku ceritakan Namun apadaya, hatiku kalah jumlah suara dengan ego tangan dan pikiran ku.  Untuk kamu yang disana,  Aku rindu.

 (11 August 2021) TERUNTUK YANG TIDAK MUNGKIN Datang tak beralasan Meninggalkan ratusan kenangan Tanpa memeluk ku berangan Namun pergi juga tak beralasan Bukan maksud hati pergi meninggalkan Tetapi hati yang sudah bermalas malasan Untuk pahit yang sudah diujung jalan Tutup pintu sejak matahari terbenam   Jangan kau datang kembali Membangkitkan beribu air mata diri Namun selalu kau begini Menggoyahkan niat hati yang tlah suci Untuk terus melupakan dan mengasihini   Rasa sakit dan pahit yang tak disukai Meronta teriak gemuruh ingin pergi Namun hanya dalam satu detik kau disini Merubuhkan segala secerca harapan cahaya matahari Yang sekarang tlah menjadi rindu di malam hari  

 DON'T LOWER YOUR STANDARDS JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY.          We’re living in a world where true love doesn’t exist. We’re too busy living on other’s people expectation till we forgot of how we truly expect towards ourselves. We forgot how it feels to feel. We forgot how it is to be free. To express ourselves to the fullest. To control the mind and the feelings to its finest. We’re so damn caught up in the society where everything’s must go right. But what we missed is that, there will be no right and wrong when it comes to being vulnerable. Fell in love ain’t easy knowing that there’s this pain and bitterness comes follow whenever there’s rainbow and butterflies to our sense. It won’t let us be someone who are feel it to the fullest. We tend to compare ourselves to what we are seeing on screen. Blaming ourselves for not being enough to have the kind of happiness of what society shows and expect us to have. We curse ourselves and feeling shitty for being alone because happpines

 THE TRUTH IS The truth is The truth is that we can lie as much as we can. We can put and point out blame all of the things, all of the people, even of the universe or life itself for the problem we have to deal with, for the mistake we have to go through with, for the pain we have to feel, for the traumatic event of our life or for the dark and un-ending tunnel of black hole deep inside our chest that we have to deal and let those consuming our mind and our heart whose then become rotten and forgotten yet unforgiven because guess what? When we do that, it’s like we are also runnning in a treadmil of a never ending of loop. We keep searching for distraction, diversion, and that position where we wanted to feel something else rather than our fucked up mind who keep telling us without seeing a clock of how suck we are, how unuseful, worthless, and bad we are for even just breathing. We keep telling down ourselves, doubting ourselves, hating, judging, comparing, and keep looking down

Hello fellas! how are you doing? im just graduated high school, now i feel like the world is getting real. im not really know what im doing or what im gonna do. its easy for you to say "just find what you like" i mean, here you go the things i like may not be something that i want to do for the rest of my life. i still want to do more, i still want to explore more. i am what i am. im so stubborn and not behav good sometimes. i can be a total mess in a day and the next day i could be someone who have the most fire up ambition that you will ever meet. Now i have grown up, in the next 2 months ill be 18, which is so insane. i still want to be at 17. cause 18 seems so old to me. i still aint figure who i really wanna become. Few weeks ago i watched a motivation video on youtube and the title is "why some of us dont have one true call" in TED talks channel. i feel so inspired, in the video they talking about why some of people havent find their path. its not because th