Turns out it is true what they have said, that "
the road to success is often a lonely road". It is lonely, so lonely it gets freezing inside. I'm the type of a person that tend to relish to be a part of something, but most of the times I do also enjoy sharing times on my own.
I did not expect that even in the crowds, nor on my own, I still am feel cold a little bit inside. Feeling left out, feeling not belong, feeling superior yet insecure, feeling undeserving, yet feeling I could do so much more than this all at once. But then along with joy, anger, and sadness. Is a person be able to feel those everything, every time, with everyone all at once?
I've heard on a TEDTalks from a 7 year old young girl that "peek a boo" game that adults do to the children could change the world, especially on their first 5 years on earth. I wondered how could that be, so I watched the video till the end. Briefly she pointed out that when adults tend to play with their children, such as Peek a boo itself, it will somehow giving a sense of "trust, confident, and accountability" to the child which makes perfect sense of how some people at their golden age become more success at school than others. Then people at their adult phase, will be easily surrounded with healthier relationships, than others. There's a pattern in it, there's a pattern where our childhood are more likely to determine our perspective and behavior when we're grew older.
I am my self are not one of those "lucky" people to have sense of security from within, Lack of trust yet also lack of being trusted to. I have taken advantaged of yet also benefitted myself from others. I did not, even almost never feel secure of my self let alone my life. Am I right? Am I wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a fool? Am I toxic? Am I the victim? Am I the villain? one way or another, if I figured it all out, all the answers, would that makes me feel better? If so I am right, right to whom? If so I am wrong, wrong to whom?
Ever since I was a kid, my household may not be "normal" than others, at least that's how I see it now. My mom married twice, and dated several guys when I was a child. My father has two wives. one is the one who is recognized in the eyes of the world, and the other is the one who is hidden, namely my mother. Along with me and my siblings, we're never met my dad's relatives, even the parents from my dad since I was a kid. My mom and my dad tend to fight, abused each other with words and psychically. Me saw and heard it all, my sister only heard it all. It left us different effects when we grew up. I, tend to be fearless, "IDGAF" attitude, yet so fragile inside, scared to be alone and left out but always announce the world that it's okay to be on your own. My sister, she's different, she's so fragile from the outside, always trying to fit in, scared that people will gossiping about her, so hurt when finds out that her flaws become main topics of her surroundings yet, she's tough inside. She's bold inside, she's resilient, smart, and will do everything on her power to not let herself down. But we have something in common, we both have that lack of confidence fundamentally, we both have trust issues with our own way, and we both sometimes failed at something we beat ourselves up.
By the time me and my sister grew up, we both have the "self-branding" or "Image" of an impression on how people sees us, judge us, value us, or treated us.
See, what Im trying to say is that it is never easy for anyone. I do now believe that, people always have struggles, always have traumas, always have something to be feared of, something to be insecure about, just something, sometimes. Most of the times. all the times. And that left me wonder, can we, can we the unfortunate from our childhood could breakthrough all the wrong beliefs we put in ourselves, nor being putted in ourselves, all the wrong point of view of how the world could be, how our life could be, when we're older? Yes I do believe it can be change very much, but is it easy? definitely not. Will never be easy, had never been and never is easy at all.
It is tiring sometimes, tiring most of the times, to crawling up to the life we wanted, to the belief we wanted, to have something we wanted. It is tiring, boring, and saddening. But I'd like to try. I'd like to work on it. I am working on it. and let me tell you, it is not easy. to pulling yourself out there, to use all of your energy and time, to lose lots of people you're connected with, just to be able to go to a "better state". It is lonely, it is hard, especially if you have had a pretty toxic environment since you were a kid, because those toxicity will dragged you down, over and over again. Those toxicity, will give you a great amount of guilt for leaving them, those toxicity, will give you a great amount of insecurity, questions of "why you are doing what you are doing", "are you worth enough to do what you're doing", "are you deserving all the good things that you are having". Those toxicity will try its very best to push you down, intentionally nor unintentionally to held you, weigh you, till you become one of those toxicity.
It is a lonely road to a successful state. It s hard. You get yourself bleeding everyday, every time, and at the end of the day, you're the only one who could answer, whether or not what you're fighting for is worth it. Fight for who, worth it for who, it is you the only could answer.
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