Feeling Realized

🌴Stuja Coffee,  8/11/26

Lately, I've been feeling... realized. Yeah, you heard me.

I don't even know if "feeling realized" is grammatically correct, but having the intention to do a 'RESET' here in Bali before I move back to this island makes me realize that you will get whatever you want in life. Not what you desire, not what you think you want, but what you truly put your intention into. Even though sometimes not in the way like what you have expected. and perhaps, that's something I've only recently started to understand.

Throughout these past few years, I've lost so many people. Even the people I thought would be there by my side forever. A partner, friends, best friends, someone I considered a brother, someone I considered a sister, a big sister, or even a little one. Isn't it funny how we can be so certain about someone's place in our future, only to realize that they were never meant to stay that long.

But I guess there's a beauty in outgrowing things that we used to love. It means that.... either we grow, or.....they grow. Either our frequencies no longer align, or our egos get in the way.

But nonetheless, I feel grateful.

Losing people was never on my checklist or to-do list, of course. But pushing myself to fit into friendships or relationships that no longer serve me wasn't on there either. I think as we grow older, there are two options that we have. Either we keep growing, even if it means facing the demonic side of ourselves and trying to make peace with it by accepting and understanding it, or we stay in the same loop, call it our comfort zone, and compensate for everything we're too afraid to confront.

And growing isn't always pretty. (but I bet u already know that)

Sometimes it means acknowledging that you're not always the victim. Sometimes it means admitting that your ego got in the way, that you hurt someone, that you made decisions you shouldn't have made, or that there were moments when you could have been a better person.

& If I can be honest, it is uncomfortable to look at those parts of yourself once you acknowledge those.

But I don't think maturity is about becoming someone who never makes mistakes. I think it's about becoming someone who is willing to acknowledge them, take accountability, and do better without constantly running away from the uncomfortable parts of themselves.

I am not what I lost. I have always been the love I gave.

I'm no saint. I'm not guilt-free. I did make mistakes, and I always will, because that's part of being human. Not because I intentionally want to make mistakes, but because as long as I'm breathing, I'll keep learning, unlearning, and maturing. And sometimes, making mistakes is part of the process. I also think there's something liberating about accepting that not every relationship needs to be saved.

You can love someone and still acknowledge that you no longer belong in each other's lives. 

You can appreciate what someone has done for you without feeling obligated to keep them around. You can miss a version of someone without wanting them back in your present. And most importantly, you can forgive yourself for the things you didn't know back then.

The memories.....

That's all I know now.

The memories that sometimes turn into lessons. The memories that sometimes turn into tears. The memories that sometimes turn into joy. And the memories that sometimes turn into relief. I don't want nor have the intention to giving perceptions as if I am romanticize losing people. because it hurts. It's lonely. and sometimes, without you realizing, once in a while, you suddenly find yourself remembering the smallest things about someone you no longer talk to.

But again, at the very same time, I also don't want to spend my life grieving every version of life that didn't happen. There's so much more to experience, so many more people to meet, so many things to learn, and so many versions of myself that I haven't met yet.

& maybe that's what this RESET is really about.

Not about running away from the past, not about pretending that everything was okay, and certainly not about becoming a completely different person. It's about returning to myself with a little more understanding, a little more patience, and hopefully a little more wisdom.

I want to be intentional about the life I'm building. The people I allow into it, the things I spend my energy on, the work I choose to do, and the kind of person I want to become. I want to stop confusing familiarity with belonging, and comfort with happiness. I want to make room for things that genuinely align with who I am becoming, even if that means making peace with the things that no longer do.

And once again, perhaps, this is what growing up looks like.

Learning to look back without necessarily wanting to go back. Being able to remember people without feeling the need to reach out. Being able to acknowledge that something was once beautiful without having to make it part of our present. 

I'm still figuring things out. I still have questions, fears, insecurities, and things I need to work on. But I'm no longer interested in having a life that simply looks good from the outside. I want a life that feels good to live in. And for everything that has happened, for everyone who stayed, for everyone who left, and for every version of myself that I had to outgrow along the way, I'm grateful.

I'm still becoming.

And I think that's a beautiful enough reason to keep going.

With love,

Tania.